Subject material should not be read by immature or young veiwers.
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrows final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the students immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, What about extreme sexual exhaustion? The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly puts him in his place by saying: Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you".
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
Little Jonny was walking in the woods one day with his dad. On the way down the path, Jonny saw a fruitfly and he squashed it against a tree. His father told him, 'You killed a fruitfly so now you can't have fruit for a week.'
So they kept walking, and as the day went on, Jonny saw a butterfly. He tried to catch the butterfly and accidently killed it. His father said, 'You killed a butterfly so now you can't have butter for a week.'
So after a while they got tired and decided to go home. They walked into the kitchen and Jonny's mom said, 'There was a nasty cockroach running around here, but since you were gone I had to kill it!' Little Jonny said, 'Will you tell her or should I?'
An Irishman named Murray went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murray in the eye and said, "I've some bad new for you... You have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murray shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murray said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murray's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murray told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murray their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murray's son leaned over and whispered his confusion... "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murray said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them trying to sleep with your mother after I'm gone."
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
There was this little boy that lived in the country. One day he walked through a farmer's yard with duct tape under his arm, and the farmer asked, "Where you going boy?"
The little boy answered, "I am going to catch me a duck."
The farmer said, "You know, you can't catch a duck with duct tape."
The little boy continued to walk on, and a little later the boy came back through with 2 ducks under his arm. The farmer just looked at him in amazement.
The same boy came back through the same farmers yard the next day with chicken wire under his arm and the farmer asked, "What are you doing now boy?"
The boy replied, "I am gonna catch me a chicken".
The farmer said, "You can't catch a chicken with chicken wire!"
The little boy continued on his way, and a little later the boy came back with a chicken under his arm and the farmer just stood in awe.
The same boy came through the same farmers yard the next day with a bunch of pussy willows under his arm the farmer said, "I am not gonna ask. I know what your going after, and I'm going with you!"
There is this actor who comes to hollywood and auditions for a part, he is great and the director calls him back to offer him the part, the director asks him his name and the actor replys, Penis Von Lesbian.
Oh no the director says, that can not be your name. Come back in a couple of days and tell me a new name.
3 days later this actor comes back and says ok I have a new name.
What is it says Mr. Director?...
Oh I think I would like to be called... Dick VanDyck.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!".
So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?"
The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in."
The goblins replies "OK, you've got it."
Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes."
"OK, you've got that too."
"My last wish is a million dollars!"
The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me."
"OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?"
"I'm 27", she replies.
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins."
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.
Then my Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
One day during the afternoon, with the house wife home alone, the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
Chris leaves shortly there after.
A while later, Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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