Subject material should not be read by immature or young veiwers.
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"said the bus driver guy "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The Hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the Hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
A blonde applies for a job at the "Tickle Me Elmo" factory. She is hired and reports for work the next morning at 8am. The foreman takes her to the assembly line and tells her what to do. By 8:45 that morning the assembly line is hopelessly backed-up with Elmos scattered everywhere.
The foreman races down the line looking for the hold-up. He spots the blonde at her work station with a pair of scissors and a big bag of marbles. He watches as she cuts a little hole between each Elmo's legs, inserts two marbles and then sews the hole shut.
The foreman laughs hysterically for several minutes, then approaches the blonde and, above the roar of the assembly line, shouts "I guess you misunderstood me.
What I want you to do is give each Elmo two test tickles."
Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar, but he didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said, so he asks him for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag, and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Oh?", she asked, "did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs stood a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Madalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Edwards how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did this fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Edwards continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "he told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I have been blowing it for 40 years!!"
There was a black kid and a white kid looking in the white kids Sisters room through a window. The white kids sister had her friends over and they started changing. They took of their shirts, then their pants, and then their bra's.
Finally they were gettin ready to take off their panties and the black kid started runnin away. The white kid is like what the fuck is he doing and he started yellin, "Wait up, what the fuck are you doin?"
The white kid finally caught up to the black kid and said, "What the fuck are you doin man, it was just gettin to the best part."
The black kid replies, "My mom told me that if I ever seen a naked women I would turn to stone, and I already felt somethin gettin hard."
A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.
'You have been sentenced to death,' said the Chief, 'but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests.'
The cowboy thought for a minute and said, 'Well,for my first wish, I'll need my horse.'
'Give him his horse,' said the Chief.
The cowboy whispered something into the horses ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. 20 minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on it's back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods...
'Second wish,' said the Chief.
'I'll need my horse again,' said the cowboy. 'Give him his horse,' said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. 30 minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head on it's back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods...
'This is your last wish,' said the Chief,' make it a good one.'
'I'll need my horse again.'
'Give him his horse,' said the Chief.
The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head and put his face right up to the horse's nose, staring him in the eyes not allowing him to lookaway. 'Look, I said, posse, ok? *POSSE*!!!'
There was this little boy, and his parents were having a fight. The dad called the mom a bitch,and the mom called the dad a bastard. The little boy asked what a bitch and a bastard were. Mom said, "a bitch is a girl and a bastard is a boy. "The little boy was happy and went away.
The next day, when the fight was over, the little boy was on his parents bed when he looked under his parents pillow. He held something up and asked what it was. Dad said that it was a condom. The boy asked what that was, and dad said that it was a coat.
The boy went into the bathroom where his dad was shaving. Dad cut himself and yelled Shit! The boy asked what shit was and the dad said, "Shit is cutting something." The little boy walked away happy.
He went downstairs where his mom was cutting the turkey for the party that they were having that night. Mom cut herself and said, "fuck!" When the boy asked again what the word fuck meant, the mother said to her son, "Fuck is cutting something."
When the doorbell rang, the little boy was told to answer the door and let the people in. When he answered the door, He proudly said, "Bitches and Bastards, may I please have your condoms so I can hang them up. My Dad is upstairs putting on shit, and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous, young wife, who was bound up on to the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you're really cute!"
To guys are at a bar and a beautiful brunette walks up to them. The two guy are dumb founded because they are not the best looking guys in the bar. The brunette, who has had too much to drink, asks, "Would you like to see my Tweety Bird tattoo?"
Immediately the two guys said yes, so the brunette looks down her mini skirt on the left and then on the right. She goes back and forth several times. The guys start getting restless in there seats and then the brunette says, "Oh, looks like the Pussy ate the bird!"
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