Subject material should not be read by immature or young veiwers.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their freedom. As they were crossing an open area, who should come along, but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work....12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays.
And help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my middle finger and then tell them to bite me.
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be to stop water from getting into the points.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DAMN DISHES!!"
Good girls say, "Thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "What's for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him and his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls blush during bedroom scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's rich.
Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe you are fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls prefer the missionary position...
Bad girls do too, when acting out a "Virgin" fantasy.
Good girls pack their toothbrushes...
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls own one credit card and rarely use it...
Bad girls own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wear high heels to work...
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls just say "NO"...
Bad girls just say when.
Good girls never do "it" on the first date...
Bad girls wait to see what kind of car he's driving.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance...
Bad girls think NO place is the wrong place.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls.
The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the coed asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class.. and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the prof's reply was classic.. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son, go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't, I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife: Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching
assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
- Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him which read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
- Your Wife
~ If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
~ I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
~ If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
~ How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
~ Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
~ Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!!!!!
~ Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
~ Could I touch your belly button... from the inside?
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old. He was bugging his mother, so she said: "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work? Maybe you will learn something."
Jimmy was gone about two hours. When he came home his mother asked him what he had learned.
Jimmy replied: "Well, first you put the God Damn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down.
Then you have to take a c*nt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."
Jimmy's mother exclaimed: "You wait until your father comes home!"
When Jimmy's father got home, Mom told him to ask Jimmy what he had learned across the street. Jimmy told him the whole story.
His Dad said: "Jimmy, you go outside and get me a switch!"
Jimmy replied: "Fuck you, that's the electricians job."
Jester's X End Page 1 ~ Jester's X End Page 2 ~ Jester's X End Page 3 ~ Jester's X End Page 4
Jester's X End Page 5 ~ Jester's X End Page 6 ~ Jester's X End Page 7