Subject material should not be read by immature or young veiwers.
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, You've got to help me. My penis is orange."
Doctor pauses to think and ask the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if this guys penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really nice guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The Doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all the guys stress.
Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that bitch."
So the Doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watching some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
One day Little Red Riding Hood was preparing to go to grandma's house, her mother said to her, "Beware Little Red Riding Hood, because the Big Bad Wolf is in the woods today and you know what he's going to do to you, don't you... He'll pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red knickers and fuck your little red socks off."
"Don't Worry mother" replied Little Red Riding Hood, "I've got my machete."
And with that she skips off happily into the woods where she meets the woodcutter, "Beware Little Red Riding Hood" he said, "the Big Bad Wolf is in the woods today and you know what he's going to do to you, don't you... He'll pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red knickers and fuck your little red socks off."
Don't worry Mr. Woodcutter" replied Little Red Riding Hood, "I've got my machete."
So she skips along towards towards grandma's house.
On arriving at grandma's house she notices the Big Bad Wolf is there, and he says to Little Red Riding Hood, "You know what I'm going to do to you now don't you... ...pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red knickers and fuck your little red socks off."
Little Red Riding Hood then pulls out her machete and says to the Big Bad Wolf, "No you'll get down on your knees and eat me like it says in the book."
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms!!!!
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon tiger = Tiggergasms....I love Tigger... He doesn't bounce for nothing...
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms....u know who ur
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms......hahahaha
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms....also killed me....
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms....oh oh....
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hair-do = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse god = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart.....didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
Ingredients:
2x Laughing eyes
2x Well shaped legs
2x Loving arms
2x Firm milk containers
2x Nuts
1x Fur lined mixing bowl
1x firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes
2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. (for best results, continue to knead milk containers)
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not overnight)
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use
3. If cake rises, leave town!
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug called "Viagra" that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens: the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle of "Viagra". The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a young boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and Dad's just sitting in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?"
The guy says, "Gee, I don't know." The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him by the crotch and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified. He hurries over to pay and get out of the store.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms. The clerk asks the size and again sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?"
The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4, who grabs him and yells, "Clean-up on aisle 4!!!"
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother, "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!! "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fucking Goofy."
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry couldn't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.
Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog."
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him..." she purrs, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues alluringly, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.
His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?". "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?". "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go fuck yourself," says the boy. "These are my cookies!"
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