A priest wanted to raise money for the Church: he was told that there was a fortune in horse racing so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in a race. However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey and race him. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the race sheet carried the headlines:
"PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS"
The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in a race again. This time it won. The papers read "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT". The bishop was so enraged with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper read:
"BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS"
The bishop fainted at this headline. When he recovered, he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby convent and the headlines read:
"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The bishop was admitted to the hospital for heart failure. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The papers read:
"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS".
They buried the bishop the next day.
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet.
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!"
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly--from the sky--a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, this is the Manager of the Ice Rink!"
The following are purportedly a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (that is, Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
1. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
What for? He can't see my license plate.
2. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
3. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
Always wear a condom.
4. When driving through fog, what should you use?
Your car.
5. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
6. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
7. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
8. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
The color.
9. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
Heavy psychedelics.
10. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
Carry loaded weapons.
A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over.
The cop walked over and asked for the man's license and registration. Then the cop said, "Listen, Mac, it's Friday, I'm tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, I'll let you go."
The man thought for a minute, then replied, "My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me."
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, $101,237.64."
The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"
Jester's End Page 1 ~ Jester's End Page 2 ~ Jester's End Page 3 ~ Jester's End Page 4 ~ Jester's End Page 5