A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down to wait for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells fortunes. So she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the weight machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "you're a Nun, you weigh 128 lbs. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably says the same thing to everyone, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a Nun, you weigh 128 lbs. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle." The Nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life." She sat back down. A cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The Nun picked up the fiddle and started to play beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible, I've got to try it again."
Back to the machine she went and put another nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a Nun, you weigh 128 lbs. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to break wind." Now the Nun knows the machine is wrong, "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life." Well, she tripped, fell off the scale and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a Nun, You weigh 128 lbs., you fiddled and farted around and you missed your flight to Chicago, Illinois."
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred" the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer let him go without even a warning.
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line-changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. maintenance is very costly
4. it constantly needs repainting and refinishing
5. it is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days
6. the rear end wobbles too much, and
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"
A woman was having a passionate love affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him into the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?!" the husband demanded.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," replied the man.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any I'll effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says "No what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the guy "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read "Consultation: $50.00."
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally said.
"Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
Three preachers are out fishing and one declares he left his favorite lure on shore. He steps out of the boat and walks across the water gets it walks back and gets into the boat.
The 2nd one announces he left his lunch and does the same thing.
Well the 3rd one starts praying and soon gets this warn comforting feeling and he knows his lord is with him and he says he left his pipe so he then stands up and steps out of the boat and promptly sinks.
The 1st preacher turns to the 2nd and says "We really should have told him about those rocks.
A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Jester's End Page 1 ~ Jester's End Page 2 ~ Jester's End Page 3 ~ Jester's End Page 4 ~ Jester's End Page 5