Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What pleasant surprise. you let them up... Just for a quick breath... Then ploop... Back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... Feeling better?
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for 5 cents a piece. I thought this was unusual since they were normally a few thousand dollars. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought two hundred of them. I like monkeys.
I took my two hundred monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact none of them were very bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt too well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and five hours later it dies. God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were two hundred dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell really bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them out every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but I didn't know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the flames.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas presents. My friends pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, and he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The answer was "an arm and a leg."
Adam then asked "What can I get for just a rib???"
The rest is history.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle.
His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room.
He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Little Johnny
Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat). So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours Truly, Little Johnny
Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle? Signed, Little Johnny
Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions.
He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door.
He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
Jesus, I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. Signed, You know who.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!
Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and I said, here try these on."
So she did and said, "these just don't fit."
So I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "here try these on."
So she does and says, "these just won't work.."
So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "here you try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into these."
So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
I had a dream last night.
I was standing in front of a huge stair case and to the right was a man. I think it might have been Jesus.
I walked over to the man and I asked him, "What is up those steps?"
And he told me, "Heaven is up there."
He then gave a some chalk and I had to use both hands and rest it on my shoulder, just to carry it. And he told me that I had to mark each step for each sin I committed.
Well, I started on the steps, marking each step, for each sin.
And I get roughly about half way and I look up. And I see you walking towards me, down the stairs. And I ask you, "Hey, how is it up there in heaven?"
You responded, "I don't know, I am coming back down for more chalk..."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Jester's End Page 1 ~ Jester's End Page 2 ~ Jester's End Page 3 ~ Jester's End Page 4 ~ Jester's End Page 5